Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Dawn_M_

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

@1followernodad

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

@Hormonella

If you’re stupid enough to start a massive fire with a “gender reveal” explosion, you should name the child Arson.

@WilliamAder

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

@AGreaterMonster

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.

@sixfootcandy

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

@poutinesmoothie

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

@Havish_AF

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

@socarolinesays

I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water