“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.


Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful


If you’re stupid enough to start a massive fire with a “gender reveal” explosion, you should name the child Arson.


The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.


Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Definitely my insecurities. Very strong.


When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.


I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.


I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water