“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
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Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob