Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
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me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”