People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife