Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
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Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times