@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

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@beefman138

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

@HeyZeus666

If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we’ve bubble wrapped our kids too tight.

@Darlainky

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

@ElgatoEsmio

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

@brotticelli

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

@ohen39

wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife