Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out