Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel
Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?
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me to my husband: please hold me, the stress is not good for the baby
husband: ??? what baby
me: me. im the baby
You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.