The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
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#JohnTravolta
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.