Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?

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Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel


me to my husband: please hold me, the stress is not good for the baby

husband: ??? what baby

me: me. im the baby


You know you are drunk when you put your food in the microwave and enter your PIN number.


your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too


I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts


COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer


If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.


WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]


[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks


Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.