@TXrednation1

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

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@davidsirota

Things I learned from media:

Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out

Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere

@JustBeingEmma

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

@Jenny4ashley

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

@dave_cactus

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

@sofarrsogud

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

@sofarrsogud

[Watching El Chapo with my new girlfriend]

HER: He really likes digging underground

ME: He’s got Cartel Tunnel Syndrome lol

HER: Get out!

@JustMeTurtle

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

@Coastiefish

You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.

@CantWaitToNap

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]