Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

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Things I learned from media:

Sanders has won a bunch of states but must drop out

Rubio shows he’s a contender by losing nearly everywhere


I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.


No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.


ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.


Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.


[Watching El Chapo with my new girlfriend]

HER: He really likes digging underground

ME: He’s got Cartel Tunnel Syndrome lol

HER: Get out!


OMG you guys!! I have abs







…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.


You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.


Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.


This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]