Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need