Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”
Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”
Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?
Put a toy for babies on its tail.