@Death_Buddy

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

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@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

@StellaRtwot

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

@Megatronic13

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

Me: “Yup.”

Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”

Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”

@HomeProbably

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

@timdonakowski

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

@Tbone7219

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

@hazelmotes1

This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?

Put a toy for babies on its tail.

YES