hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.