Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?
Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong