Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Just say no
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet