Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Hey. Do these camo pants make me look fatigued?
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
“We need to talk”
*stop, drops and rolls
*Army crawls out of the room
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Sorry, I just got your text. Do you still need a ride to the ER?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake