Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
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I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
The game has officially changed 😎
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.