@envydatropic: Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
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@caliluvgirl77: coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine me: *laughing nervously* that's awful
@UncleDuke1969: [first date] HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan? ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one. HER: How far have you gotten? ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
@petemandik: I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Guess what? ME: What? WIFE: Guess who said their first words today? ME: He didn't! WIFE: Yes he did ME: This is amazing, what did the dog say? WIFE: I was talking about your son ME: He said a whole sentence?!!