Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
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Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.