@envydatropic

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

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@ShesAllNat

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

@sofarrsogud

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

@feasibleweasel

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

@UncleDuke1969

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

@Steelers1972

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@PoliUncorrect

If I learned anything from my childhood, its that if you cry long enough, your dead hamster will be reborn as a rabbit

@fro_vo

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING