My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
2) My Best Friend
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
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TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex
T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
If I learned anything from my childhood, its that if you cry long enough, your dead hamster will be reborn as a rabbit
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING