I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
You Might Also Like
It be like that sometimes 😆
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.