Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right