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@Douchekevin

FANTASY:

Adored by women
Wealthy
Virile
Sex machine
Owns dragon
Twitter famous

REALITY:

Unfollowed by cat magazine.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

@tigersgoroooar

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

@envydatropic

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

@Darlainky

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.