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@Kendragarden

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

@pumpkin_horse

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

@RedheadChaos

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

@ewfeez

You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.

@scorpiusryan21

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

@a_simpl_man

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

@chuuew

SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]

@AmericanGent69

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

@notmythirdrodeo

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!