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My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all


*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you


If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.


You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.


My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions


Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon


SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]


[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!


my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!