Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each