Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?