@U_Want_Shum_M8

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

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@ItsAndyRyan

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

@dafloydsta

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

@House_Feminist

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

@sageboggs

Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again

@ElgatoEsmio

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

@fro_vo

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

@LoveNLunchmeat

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?