hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works