hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
? 💀
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.