hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?


I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.


How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.


Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.


You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.



If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what


texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus


Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.


Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.


I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.