@mean_crow

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

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@STOTLE

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

@VerbsRProudest

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

@ChrisHallbeck

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

@Tarrigan

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

@cellapaz

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

@Bob_Janke

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

@pienar

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

@super_morgasm

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

@ddsmidt

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.