I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
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Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don’t want anyone’s duck in my can’t.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds
[suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they’re mine
[dog cop] Jim he has a point
Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away….the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum
Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?