hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

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I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.


Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don’t want anyone’s duck in my can’t.


Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…


[good cop] admit you stole those diamonds
[suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they’re mine
[dog cop] Jim he has a point


Be on the lookout for a armed psychic midget who just robbed a bank and got away….the police now have a SMALL MEDIUM at LARGE!! ba dum dum


Closing time, son
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox


My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.


Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.


Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?