Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it