Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

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Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?


I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.


The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to “watch a movie” is actually watching a movie.


On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)


4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money


With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull


When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”


*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]


Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.


It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.