Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*