@shutupmikeginn: Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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@elonmusk: The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
@TheMichaelRock: Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.
@MrEmilyHeller: Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure's off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn't even have a shirt.
@Deurb1: Six inches of snow predicted tonight: Is that twitter 6" | | Subway 6" | | Real life 6" | | Or Dan 6" | | Cheesecake