Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid