@leannuh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

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@Jessdaisy

Current relationship status:
Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.

@MattTheBrand

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

@Mindless4Miles

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

@CantWaitToNap

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@ch000ch

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

@PaperWash

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

@markydoodoo

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.