“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
*orders delivery*
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.