Current relationship status:
Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
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future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”
Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.