Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
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ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Uh oh…
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.