Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
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BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly