Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants