Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

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A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids


professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel


Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]


If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.


I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.


Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.


My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.


Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert


[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]


Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war