@AnniemuMary

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

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@GrantTanaka

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

@mister_blank

executioner: you may choose your punishment

me: peppermint

executioner: no, like a weapon

me: oh. spearmint

@bencjenkins

Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.

@KyleMcDowell86

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

@Parkerlawyer

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

@maurajbg

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

@liv_thatsme

“Got a dog.”

Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?

“Had a baby.”

Me: cool.

@david8hughes

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

@iamspacegirl

[Drive-thru]

CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children

Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?

CRONUS: omg what did I say