Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
You Might Also Like
executioner: you may choose your punishment
executioner: no, like a weapon
me: oh. spearmint
Hear me out on this. Limewire Festival. Bands from the early 2000s play mislabeled songs that aren’t actually theirs, tickets available as a .exe with a 70% chance of destroying your computer.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
“Got a dog.”
Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?
“Had a baby.”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children
Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?
CRONUS: omg what did I say