Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”