Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Just say no
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”