Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
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Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely