@AlexvanBeek: Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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@djdarrellripley: Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut..
@_ElvishPresley_: Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile? Date: uhh Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
@brennadine: I'VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES "Don't you mean catlike-" BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
@SoulYodeler: I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song