@AlexvanBeek: Hey, Facebook. Dead people can't read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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@warmyellowlight: me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test* cashier: would u like a bag
@Quartzjixler: I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know. - smokers
@david8hughes: [interviewing for job as assassin] Me: I only have 1 rule Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids Me: huh? No, I just won't work weekends
@Tmoney68: I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am. So, if you're looking for someone to blame, there you go.