Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Steam Forums
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
what are they serving at kfc then???