@detroit_et

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

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@david8hughes

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

@girlontapas

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

@BritXNic

You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.

@FatherWithTwins

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

@UnFitz

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

@Laser_Cat

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

@Faux_Ma

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

@TheBoydP

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

@RunOldMan

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.