Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.