@detroit_et

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

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@SamGrittner

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

@GingerHotDish

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

@panmidwest

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

@SteveKoehler22

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

@DadandBuried

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.