Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

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The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.


Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.


The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?


I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.


*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*


[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality


“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”



Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?


How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?