@Ygrene

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

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@MUMSIEesq

ME: My husband has a cold do you have those euthanasia pills?
PHARMACIST: I think you mean echinacea pills haha
ME: No.

@robfee

My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2

@2p2TrollCat

Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.

@KeetPotato

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@DonovanConvery

If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.

@HousewifeOfHell

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

@sofarrsogud

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

@ch000ch

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

@WGladstone

I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.