Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie