@Ygrene

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

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@MissSassy_Pants

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

@tonsmorecowbell

Somewhere in Africa, a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

@AimeeHelene1

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

@NoogsCorner

*notices it’s not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss…*nn*…to 5 insomniacs*

@bornmiserable

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

@andylassner

“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”

-Critics

@ravenswng_

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

@MichaelTrying

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?