Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

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ME: My husband has a cold do you have those euthanasia pills?
PHARMACIST: I think you mean echinacea pills haha
ME: No.


My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2


Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven.


wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?


If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.


My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.


Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores


i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking


I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.