Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
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I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
get you a girl who
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.