@UnFitz

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

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@GrantTanaka

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

@Justsydnyc

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

@sixfootcandy

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

@JoParkerBear

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

@Sassafrantz

I THINK
[boyfriend goes by]
YOU’RE TOO
[boyfriend goes by]
YOUNG FOR ME
[boyfriend goes by]

-me breaking up w/ my boyfriend at the carousel

@iwearaonesie

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

@dumbbeezie

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

@tedalexandro

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

@biorhythmist

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.