Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
when you don’t want to be too vague
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.