Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.