@House_Feminist

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

You Might Also Like

@Jordan_Morris

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@mjkspeaks

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@yerpalmildsauce

How did you get those horrible burns?
*flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster*
I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

@gerryhallcomedy

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

@WorkingMom86

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

@LazyChank

Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.

@retniw_nuf

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

@jfrank50

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.