Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
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Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
How did you get those horrible burns?
*flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster*
I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Explained to my client that he shouldn’t put “urgent” in the subject line of every email he sends. He now sends some as “urgent urgent”.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.