@TySmithdrums

Hey, girl. Are you a potato? because I’m about to. Mash. You. Up. Oh. You ARE a potato. And a talking potato at that. My meds aren’t working

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@Coolisiana

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

@Playing_Dad

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

@Sal0630

Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath

Her: Ah I can’t wait to take it

*hands her paper*

Me: I used your eyeliner pencil

@GashleyMadison

Doctor: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.

Bears: We’ll take the bad news.

@CarpentersCrack

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

@kDuncanG

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*

@Iffy_Penguin

resolutions:
1. use the word “plethora” more
2. learn at least four new bird calls – no, wait. learn a plethora of new bird calls.

@ddsmidt

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

@Darlainky

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.