If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
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Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.