What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It鈥檚 just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
One of the more important commas I鈥檝e seen in a long time…
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Him: I can鈥檛 sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can鈥檛 sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it鈥檚 best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
(home depot)
frosty: so鈥 hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Prince: I鈥檓 deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Why is everyone getting married at me
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Gorilla vs. cold water 馃槀
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?