[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club