Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend