[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Cause of death: Zumba
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?