She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Blew my mind.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
My favorite type of men is ramen.