There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
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People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
OH. COME. ON.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My new favorite headline
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Lmao the reply
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately