@ImFordTough

hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i’m pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on

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@AdamTheLobster

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

@pleatedjeans

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

@TheRealPalMal

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

@david8hughes

I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.

@SwedishCanary

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

@DothTheDoth

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

@TheTweetOfGod

If “the word impossible is not in your vocabulary”, you have a pretty limited vocabulary.

@tylerschmall

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati