hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i’m pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on

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“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark


Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?


[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.


Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!


I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.


Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.


You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.


Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.


If “the word impossible is not in your vocabulary”, you have a pretty limited vocabulary.


“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati