Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
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I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Cardio Made Easy
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Good morning, Twitter x
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.