@LeonEarlgrey

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

@SortaBad

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

@Amusitr0n

Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar

@AmishPornStar1

Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.

@Billhenry16

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

@mishakey

Most computer problems can be fixed by removing the idiot from the keyboard.

@ExcuseMyTweets

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: I absolutely love Star Wars

ME: Oh me too

HER: What’s your favorite part?

ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war