ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: I’ll have some cold water
Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water
Me: yall got ice?
Me: I have a crazy idea
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.