Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

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1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can


“Dad, where’s my king size Milk Chocolate Hershey Bar I got from trick or treating?”

(Cricket Sound)
(Cricket Sound)
(Cricket Sound)
(Cricket Sound)
(Cricket Sound)


The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.



COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff


[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no


me: it’s the whole episode


Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?


I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.


I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.


Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?


H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.