@TheToddWilliams

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

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@KKAlThani

1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can

@cheers27402373

“Dad, where’s my king size Milk Chocolate Hershey Bar I got from trick or treating?”

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@RidiculousSheri

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

@ArfMeasures

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

@perfectsweeties

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

@slimmy_shady

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

@kimtopher22

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

@Vodkantots

I’m starting to think the other moms might not like my nicknames for their kids.

@HFromTheNam

Husband:-“So when you starting back at the gym”?

Me:-“Why”?

H:-“Because you need to”

His funeral takes place next week.