Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

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ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”


My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.


You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..


Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea



Me: I have a crazy idea


In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store


ME: my clothes are getting smaller

WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight

ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this


Relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut