Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
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One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Dolls on drugs
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists