Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
You Might Also Like
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation