Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
*seductively corrects your posture*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
there’s probably a fee though
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??