I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
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No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
“SHOW US YOUR TITS!!,” I yell with excitement, as I elbow my way into the aviary.
If you’re desperately lonely, just look on the bright side.
At least you still have standards.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?