Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
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When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Good advice.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.