@daemonic3

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

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@wesjohnson8

The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

@TheTweetOfGod

The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.

@vanluvz1

Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.

@ThaJawn

*hands note

Boss: *reading* ‘Please excuse my son from’ Ridiculous! You’re working!

*thinking* I practiced my Mom’s signature for nothing

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

@KyleMcDowell86

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

@AbrasiveGhost

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

@iSamJack

“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*

@mcs212

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.