Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
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I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
very niche meme I made
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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Me: Same
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is