Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

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The trouble with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don’t think they’re funny, & nobody else thinks they’re jokes.


The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.


Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.


*hands note

Boss: *reading* ‘Please excuse my son from’ Ridiculous! You’re working!

*thinking* I practiced my Mom’s signature for nothing


[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991


HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s


God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings


“‘There is no ‘I’ in team!” *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*


Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.